From Leno:

White House officials insist that President Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week. They said because there was an investigation under way, it would have been inappropriate to tell him. And besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi.

 

It is not looking good for President Obama. Today, his teleprompter took the fifth. In fact, the White House has changed their slogan from, “Yes, we can” to “No, I can’t remember.”

 

The latest scandal in Washington, of course, is raising questions about the IRS. You know, I have a question. Why is it called the Internal Revenue Service? How is having your money confiscated a service?

 

A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRS and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this.

From Conan:

President Obama is in a lot of hot water lately. Despite the scandals, 53 percent of Americans say they approve of the job he’s doing. The other 47 percent are being audited.

 

A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden.

From Argus Hamilton:

The Chicago Bulls were eliminated by the Miami Heat in the NBA playoffs Thursday in a brutal series between the two physical teams. The Bulls are the president’s favorite team. The Miami Heat now head to Washington D.C. to face their toughest opponent, the IRS.

 

The House Ways and Means Committee ripped IRS officials for targeting government opponents for scrutiny and reprisal. It’s an old tradition. Will Rogers once said America has the best government money can buy, then he died in a mysterious plane crash in Alaska.

 

President Obama asked Congress Thursday for more money to guard U.S. embassies from attack. It’s not necessary. All we have to do is register al-Qaeda as a conservative political action group and the IRS will shut them down for their anti-U.S. government views.

 

IRS official Sarah Ingraham, who was in charge of targeting conservatives, was put in charge of doling out ObamaCare. Hollywood noticed. Angelina Jolie is already estranged from her conservative father Jon Voight so it won’t bother her to rat on him to get her breast surgery.

 

IRS Commissioner Steven Miller stonewalled Congress in testimony Friday. He stated he’s an acting commissioner. That’s someone from Second City who knows how to act like the executive branch had no knowledge the IRS was targeting conservative groups.

 

The Powerball Lottery winning numbers came up Saturday with six hundred million going to the winning ticket-holder. It’s easier to predict what the winner will be than it is who the winner will be. The Oxford Dictionary defines a lottery winner as a former Democrat.

 

Philadelphia Eagles lineman Evan Mathis posted a photo on Instagram that showed him relieving himself on an IRS building in the city’s old colonial district. It should be easy for the IRS to track him down. All they have to do is follow the yellow brick road.

 

The IRS announced Friday it’s hiring thousands of specialists to review everyone’s tax records to enforce ObamaCare. Buy stock in companies that make rubber gloves. The IRS is hiring so many proctologists that the immigration department can’t issue the high-tech visas fast enough to keep up with demand.

 

President Obama said Friday he had no idea the IRS was targeting conservatives last year. He can say nothing else. Barack Obama once starred in a student movie, and when the script called for him to admit to doing something wrong, they had to get a stunt double.

 

The CNN poll Monday said sixty percent of Americans said they believe Obama when he says he didn’t know the IRS was targeting conservatives That’s odd. It was the number-one topic in every foursome at every golf club in America, how could he not know about it?

From Leno:

President Obama gave the commencement address at Morehouse College over the weekend. Great speech, very inspiring. He told the young graduates their future is bright — unless, of course, they want jobs.

 

The White House admitted President Obama’s chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals was from the media. See, that’s why President Obama holds press conferences. It’s not to explain what’s going on. It’s to find out what’s going on.

 

Singer Mary J. Blige has been slapped with a $3.4 million bill from the IRS. I didn’t even know she was a tea party member.

From Jimmy Fallon:

These scandals at the White House are just getting worse. It turns out that President Obama’s chief of staff knew about the scandal at the IRS three weeks before the president found out. Obama was like, “Anything else you guys aren’t telling me?” And Joe Biden was like, “Uh . . . I broke the copier.”

 

President Obama’s team knew about the IRS scandal but kept him in the dark about it. Or as Obama put it, “Guys, when I said ‘no spoilers,’ I was just talking about ‘Game of Thrones.’”

From Fred Thompson:

Kiefer Sutherland’s anti-terrorist TV series “24″ will return to Fox this season. In the opening episode, Jack Bauer gets audited.

From Argus Hamilton:

The Beverly Hills Hotel has started serving High Tea at four o’clock in the afternoon for Los Angeles society groups. It includes a harpist and crumbcakes. The first three groups of ladies were carried off in paddy wagons after the IRS got wind of the tea parties.

 

President Obama was buffeted by scandals on Benghazi, the Justice Department, and IRS targeting of opponents Friday. It’s weird. If we didn’t know Barack Obama’s father was black and his mother was white we’d think his mother was black and his father was Nixon.

 

President Obama denied knowledge of the Inspector General’s report Thursday when asked if he knew the IRS was targeting political enemies. It was immediately obvious to every person in the country he’d sidestepped the question. There’ll never be another Bill Clinton.

 

U.S. Senator John Cornyn revealed the IRS softball team canceled their game with his Senate office’s softball team amid tensions over the IRS scrutinizing conservatives. The IRS should take the softballs while they can get them. The questions only get tougher from here.

Shocking Excerpt: IRS Questions To Conservative Groups –  Parody, but not too far off the mark.

From Leno:

This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down.

 

President Obama announced the appointment of a new acting commissioner of the IRS — the other guy was fired. See, they’re called “acting commissioner” because you have to act like the scandal doesn’t involve the White House.

 

A lot of critics are now comparing President Obama to President Nixon. The good news for Obama? At least he’s no longer being compared to President Carter.

 

It has not been a good week for President Obama. You’ve got Benghazi, the IRS scandal, this AP records scandal, and, worst of all, his Chicago Bulls got eliminated by the Miami Heat. Do you know what that means? LeBron James is going to get audited by the IRS.

 

This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever.

 

A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon’s unemployment rate was only 5 percent.

 

This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, “Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?”

 

The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don’t worry. If you’re in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They’ve gone from “Change you can believe in” to “Changing the story until you believe it.”

From Jimmy Fallon:

A town in Minnesota has appointed a 4-year-old boy to be its mayor. People got pretty annoyed when he said his first plan was “waising taxes.”

 

Eagles’ offensive lineman Evan Mathis posted a picture on Instagram that shows him relieving himself on an IRS building with a caption that says, “Audit this!” Or as the IRS said, “OK, see you tomorrow at noon.”

 

The Surgeon General advised Americans who will sunbathe on Memorial Day to use sunscreen on the beach or at the pool. She said to stay covered. When the White House heard that the Surgeon General was an expert on covering up, they put her in charge of the IRS.

 

South Carolina’s Mark Sanford was sworn into Congress this week. He won by telling voters the Bible says sinners should be forgiven seventy times seven times. Afterwards he was surrounded by Members asking him if he would teach them how to use a calculator.

 

 

USA Today reported Wednesday that liberal groups got a pass from the IRS as the IRS targeted GOP conservative groups. Hollywood took note. It appears that Lindsay Lohan was going to jail for tax evasion til she shrewdly changed her name to Obama for America.

 

The IRS Commissioner resigned Wednesday in the scandal over the agency targeting conservatives. They asked Tea Party groups for donor lists, Facebook postings and radio show transcripts, under the penalty of perjury. It didn’t scare us in California, where the jails are full.

From Craig Ferguson:

The IRS has a new boss after it came out they unfairly targeted tea party groups. The president says the new IRS chief is not only good with numbers, but he has more integrity than the last guy. It’s Bernie Madoff.

From Argus Hamilton:

The Washington Post reported the arrival of the first of one trillion cicadas Monday which hatch every seventeen years back East. For the next month a million bugs per acre will be making loud noises proclaiming their freedom. It is why the IRS audited them. 

 

 The IRS apologized for targeting conservative groups for agency scrutiny during last year’s election. The tax collectors targeted GOP groups and donors for audits. It left every comedian wondering if a great joke on this subject is worth all the extra paperwork. 

 

 Congress vowed to investigate the IRS after the agency apologized for targeting GOP conservative political groups and their big donors Friday. The White House can’t escape by blaming this one on Bush. This is the big leagues, they’ve got to blame this one on Nixon.

 

President Obama was grilled as the IRS admitted targeting Tea Partiers Monday. The same day the Justice Department secretly seized reporters’ phone records. It prompted a party at the Nixon Library that night that was so loud the neighbors had to call the police. 

 

 The IRS apologized Friday for targeting Tea Party and conservative groups for extra scrutiny during the election last year. Tea Partiers were audited just for opposing the president. That’s what they get for being a bunch of nuts who don’t trust the government. 

 

 President Obama was ripped after the IRS targeted the Tea Partiers while the Justice Department spied on AP reporters. When he vowed to unite America he didn’t want the right wing and left wing united against him. This leaves you with the middle of the bird.

From Leno:

I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don’t want to get audited by the IRS, so forget that.

 

The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That’s why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back.

 

The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. Believe me. You don’t have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about covering up.

 

Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech weapon: the IRS audit.

 

I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, “Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.” Yeah, “Mistakes were made” — try saying THAT during your next IRS audit.

 

First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama’s biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?

From Argus Hamilton:

The White House announced a one hundred billion dollar budget surplus for next year on Friday. It’s no secret how. The U.S. Senate voted to tax Internet sales Thursday one day after Pfizer began selling Viagra online and the cash is rolling in faster than we can count it.

 

The IRS apologized for targeting Tea Party groups for extra scrutiny last year when they tried to raise money for their cause. It will make for an interesting trial. The tax collectors plan to read the Tea Party platform on the witness stand and plead self-defense.

From Jay Leno:

Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in.

 

New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?

 

According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green.

From Argus Hamilton:

Al Gore was reported Monday to have two hundred million in the bank after he sold Current TV. He’s now as rich as Mitt Romney. Forget Asian Tiger mom techniques, the best way to raise kids to be successful in life is to make them boring, white and unelectable.

 

Pfizer announced it’ll sell Viagra directly to patients on its company website Monday and send the pills to men via overnight mail. It’s big news. The U.S. Postal Service just announced they are projecting their budget will be in the black for the first time in forty years.

From Jay Leno:

From Conan O’Brien:

According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney. Gore said Mitt and I are living proof that if you’re a boring white guy, anything is possible.

From Jay Leno:

President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence.

From Argus Hamilton:

The GAO issued a report Monday saying President Obama spent twice as much time playing golf and vacationing as he did attending meetings on the economy. There’s been some improvement. The economy is stalled but the president is regularly breaking eighty.

 

The Federal Reserve Bank in Washington D.C. introduced the new one-hundred-dollar bill Thursday complete with Ben Franklin’s portrait on it plus dozens of new security features. It was time to bring out a new one-hundred-dollar bill. China’s got all the old ones.

 

California lawmakers will vote on a penny-an-ounce tax on sodas and energy drinks to combat obesity. It’s egalitarian. They said one-fourth of California’s poor adults are obese and the money would provide them cocaine to stay slim the way rich Californians do.