Tax Guru – Ker$tetter Letter

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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Posted by taxguru on January 29, 2014

From Fred Thompson:

New research by Daniel Borota of the Johns Hopkins University suggests that caffeine may help to boost long-term memory. Can we get a round of double-espressos for the witnesses at the IRS/Tea Party hearings? 

 

 A new book by feline-researcher Dr. John Bradshaw says that cats think of humans “as though they were the mama cat”. Ah… sorta the same way liberals see government. 

 

Google is accused of using sensitive personal information in violation of privacy law in Canada. That would never fly in America. That’s the IRS’s job.

 

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Posted by taxguru on October 19, 2013

From The Late Show:

 

Top Ten Things Americans Said When The Government Reopened

Thursday, October 17, 2013

10. “It was closed?”

9. “Is it under new management?”

8. “Nice going, guys! Treat yourselves to a vacation”

7. “No idea what was accomplished but I assume I have to pay higher taxes”

6. “How will this affect funny race-car drivers?”

5. “John McCain can get back to playing poker on his iPhone”

4. “Does this mean Ted Cruz will stop talking?”

3. “They don’t pull this kind of crap in Belarus”

2. “Only four months till the next shutdown”

1. “Great — I just paid for Chinese lessons”

 

 

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Posted by taxguru on October 13, 2013

From Fred Thompson:

The IRS cited the shutdown as the reason for not turning over documents to members of Congress who are investigating the agency’s targeting of Tea Party groups. Apparently stonewalling is still considered a vital government function.

 

New documents show the IRS training manual on tax exempt groups used an example Democrat candidate named “Nancy Nice”. Who says bureaucrats don’t have a sense of humor?

 

A new report shows the Democratic National Committee is almost completely broke from spending in the last election. I see they’ve finally found a way to show us what Democrats can do for America.

 

 

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Laughing at the Bozos in power…

Posted by taxguru on October 11, 2013

From Argus Hamilton:

An IRS official told Congress she shared a conservative group’s tax information with the White House Wednesday. Hold the phone. If the Republicans really want to get rid of ObamaCare they should endorse it as a conservative nonprofit and let the IRS take it down.

 

The Economist reported that twenty-five million dollars in cash is being smuggled out of Pakistan every day. Only one percent of Pakistanis bother to pay any income taxes. The worst part is, America’s government is shut down while Pakistan’s is up and running.

 

 President Obama met with Wall Street CEOs Thursday and warned them they should worry about a government shutdown. They are. Wall Street’s biggest concern is that the value of a politician will drop so low that ordinary citizens will be able to buy them too.

 

The White House hired Canadian firm CGI to run the glitch-ridden launch of ObamaCare. CGI charged fifty-five million for their computer services. Leave it to Barrack Obama to mark the two hundredth anniversary of Canada burning the White House by re-creating the event.

 

The U.S. government remained shut down a third day Friday as the debt default crisis approached that could wreck U.S. currency. What a mess. It’s just dawning on Americans that it’d be much cheaper to buy their health insurance from the Chinese and cut out the middle man. 

 

 President Obama greeted India Prime Minister Manmohan Singh at the White House last Friday. It was the first U.S.-India summit in three years and the leaders focused on jobs. India’s prime minister offered to do President Obama’s job for six dollars an hour.

 

ObamaCare applicants were shocked at coverage plans they saw online Tuesday. It’s more expensive than private plans, deductibles are huge, and the fines are cheaper than the policies. Uncle Sam went to his new doctor today with an acute case of enlarged Detroit.

 

 Senate Leader Harry Reid rejected GOP attempts to fund the government piecemeal without funding ObamaCare. In his autobiography, he described how he was raised in a brothel. He never in his wildest dreams thought he’d grow up someday and get to run one.

 

New York Police are investigating the crash of a three-pound radio-controlled drone helicopter on a sidewalk on Wall Street Wednesday that just missed hitting a well-known financial analyst on the head. It shows two things. It shows some people are still really sore about losing their pensions in the crash five years ago and that their aim is improving.

 

President Obama declared ObamaCare the law of the land in a speech Tuesday. Civil disobedience is widespread. Many Americans would rather go to jail than enroll in ObamaCare now that O.J. Simpson has taught us that cookies are free in the prison cafeteria.

 

The U.S. faced a government shutdown over Congress’ refusal to fund ObamaCare and the president’s refusal to negotiate. It left Americans asking three questions. Who will inspect the chickens, who will direct air traffic, and who will put us sixteen trillion in debt?

 

The Postal Service is asking Congress for a three cent raise in the price of a first class stamp to forty-nine cents. We’ll pay it gladly. Last year the Postal Service lost one billion dollars, making it the most profitable branch of the United States government by far.

 

Colorado pot growers offered free pot to the Boulder flood victims who feel stressed out. With pot legal there, some lawmakers are proposing a thirty-five percent sales tax per ounce. Leave it to a state legislature to make the Mexican drug cartel look not so greedy.

 

Washington D.C. implemented a program that pays residents twelve thousand dollars if they will move close to their place of business. The program is already a hit. In fact just yesterday, three thousand prostitutes moved in right across the street from Congress.

 

House Republicans passed a budget resolution Thursday with an added amendment that defunds ObamaCare. To avoid a shutdown they’ll fund the government for two weeks at a time. The U.S. Congress that was designed by James Madison and descended from the House of Commons and Lords now has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.

 

The Federal Reserve Bank announced it will continue buying eighty billion dollars a month of U.S. bonds to prop up the U.S. economy. The Treasury is printing money and loaning it to ourselves, and then injecting it into the economy to keep it from collapsing. ObamaCare hasn’t even started yet and already the government’s hogging all the morphine.

 

 President Obama’s choice to head the Federal Reserve Larry Summers withdrew his name on Monday. He wouldn’t inspire a lot of confidence as the nation’s top banker. A routine background check found that he keeps his mattress stored in a safe deposit box.

 

President Obama said his stimulus program ignited economic recovery Monday. Not everyone agrees. A McDonald’s in Tulsa offers customers the Obama Special–you can order everything you want on the menu, and the next three people in line have to pay for it.

 

From F.R. Duplantier:

WAGE WAR

A burger the price of a steak?

A $10 chocolate shake?

$10 fries

And hot apple pies?

Who remembers “deserving a break”?

 

 

 
NEW WAGE MOVEMENT
In the past a young worker aspired
To do what advancement required.
But, with the new rage
To raise minimum wage,
He’ll be lucky to even get hired.
 
 
 

BARRYOMETER

“I get credit for any success –

All the plaudits and all the good press –

But find others to blame

And assume all the shame

When my policies make a big mess.”

 

OPT-OUT

To please Democrats pushing preemption

And Republicans craving redemption,

Let Obamacare

Be utterly fair

And grant everyone an exemption.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted by taxguru on October 8, 2013

From Fred Thompson:

Although public tours of the White House have been cancelled, the White House logged 344 visits by lobbyists in 3 months. Couldn’t they each just grab a busload of kids on their way in?

 

In a recent speech, President Obama said he’d be “happy to negotiate” with Republicans on the federal budget. He seems too confident. Putin must’ve agreed to back him up.

 

On CNN, Nancy Pelosi said there was nothing left to cut in the federal budget, “the cupboard is bare”. Really? Because last time I looked it was full of pork.

 

Federal officials warn that the implementation of Obamacare could spawn a cadre of scam artists. I guess they mean in addition to the officials implementing it.

 

To avoid being fired, Lois Lerner – the IRS official at the center of the agency’s Tea Party scandal – retired on a $50,000 a year pension. Sounds fair. As long as she gets audited every year.

 

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Posted by taxguru on September 17, 2013

From Argus Hamilton:

The Rim Fire at Yosemite National Park in California burned on into its fourth week Monday. So far it’s charred a quarter million acres. However, Gov. Jerry Brown said it’s now all under control, he plans to tax and regulate the fire till it gives up and moves to Nevada.

 

The White House announced unemployment is at its lowest level in five years if you don’t count the people who have given up looking for work. Nobody partied on the news. Most Americans just want to know when the Dollar Store is going to start selling gas.

 

Australian voters gave a stunning victory to the Conservative Party Saturday. They elected a government that pledged to lower taxes, reduce crime, cut welfare and halt illegal immigration. Australia is clearly competing with Arizona as the site of the last stand.

 

President Obama jousted with Vladimir Putin over an attack on Syria Friday. There’s really no need to drop bombs. If President Obama really wanted to destroy Syria, he’d drop his economic advisors on the country and in six weeks we’d have them on their knees.

 

New Jersey resident Mario Scarnici was identified Sunday as the final winner of this month’s Powerball Lottery jackpot. He will take home sixty-two million dollars after taxes. He celebrated afterwards by telling his five kids that three of them can go to college.

 

California Controller John Chiang ripped the state’s bankrupt cities for irresponsible spending on retiree benefits to city workers and labor contracts. It will take years to dig out. Stockton is so broke the Ninety-Nine Cent Store has been accused of price-gouging.

 

Russia’s president Vladimir Putin was reported Sunday to have amassed a fortune of over seventy billion dollars since he took over the country. And this guy was raised a communist. Imagine how rich he’d be if he didn’t believe in the re-distribution of wealth.

 

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Posted by taxguru on September 14, 2013

From Fred Thompson: 

Congressional Democrats are pushing a bill that would massively increase the tax on guns and ammunition. Great idea. Violent criminals would never cheat on their taxes.

 

Americans for Tax Reform estimates that taxpayers will be forced to spend a total of 7.5 million hours each year complying with Obamacare. Huh. Guess it’s a good thing they’ll only have part-time jobs.

 

A new report shows that the State Department is spending nearly $30 million on janitorial services for its buildings. Why go to outside help? Look how good they are at sweeping things under the rug on Benghazi.

 

During an interview on PBS, President Obama complained that “the marketplace increasingly produces very unequal results.” Um… maybe that’s because people put in very unequal efforts.

 

Democrat Congresswoman Marcia Fudge said it was up to Congress “to make sure that no child goes hungry”. Well, I guess the country WOULD be better off if more Congressmen left DC and took up farming.

 

 

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Posted by taxguru on September 8, 2013

From Fred Thompson:

The state of Illinois is hiring workers at $9 an hour to sign people up for Obamacare. Of course, if it weren’t for Obamacare, those workers would still be working somewhere else.

 

During a speech at State University of New York at Buffalo, President Obama said “at some point, the government’s going to run out of money”. Um, Mr. President? That point was about $17 trillion ago.

 

The Justice Department is suing the state of Louisiana to prevent low-income students from using vouchers to attend private schools. Well, that’s one way to keep people from being able to read about government scandals.

 

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Posted by taxguru on September 2, 2013

From Argus Hamilton:

 

House Democrats announced a bill to double the taxes on all firearms and slap a fifty percent tax on bullets. It’s silly. The number of wounded gangsters is just going to pile up if it is no longer cost-effective for you to lay down a cover fire for them to make it to the car.

 

President Obama told CNN Friday that Republicans in Congress are afraid of passing a budget that funds ObamaCare because of what Rush Limbaugh will say. The radio star pays cash for his medical care from his savings. It’s an idea that could destroy the economy.

 

President Obama proposed a rating system for colleges that measures every school’s cost-effectiveness. He said students are graduating in debt with no jobs. President Obama could lower taxes, jump-start the economy and the kids would all have great jobs waiting for them, but he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life speaking at Republican dinners.

 

Egyptian television reported President Obama’s half brother Malik Obama in Kenya directs financial investments for the Muslim Brotherhood. It’s big news. If the ability to direct an economy runs in the family, Israel will win the next war before a shot is fired.

 

President Obama embarks on a two-day bus tour of upstate New York and northeast Pennsylvania to promote ways of lowering the costs of college. The president really connects well with college students. They’re both in their fifth year and hopelessly in debt.

 

The Cato Institute found Americans can get more money from welfare benefits than many jobs. The bureaucracy makes it worse. A welfare worker reported that one female applicant hasn’t had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

 

Colorado put strict noise level controls on oil and gas wells Tuesday. The lawmakers want to ensure the legendary quiet of the Rockies at night. All that moaning in Texas and Oklahoma when oil hits a hundred dollars a barrel has neighbors banging on the walls.

 

Coldwell Banker said one out of four millennials between the ages of twenty and thirty in New Jersey have moved back home with their parents. It’s the flip side of huge suburban homes. The only reason college kids in California do so well after graduation is because real estate is too valuable for multi-room homes and the ground is too shifty for basements.

 

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Posted by taxguru on August 30, 2013

From Fred Thompson:

During a speech at Georgetown University, U2 frontman Bono said, “capitalism takes more people out of poverty than aid”. Hope he enjoyed his last White House visit.

White House economic adviser David Furman said there’s “no evidence” that Obamacare is making employers cut back on worker hours. Probably because the guys responsible for reporting it had their hours cut back.

EPA Chief Gina McCarthy said that enforcing strict greenhouse gas regulations “will grow the economy”. Sure. Like Roundup grows dandelions.

 

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