Once again, David Letterman failed to invite me to be part of his annual Tax Day Top Ten. Of course, my being 1,200 miles away from the Ed Sullivan Theater does make it a bit more difficult.
Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Accountant
10. “Listen, I’m not good with math”
9. “The good news is you’re getting a huge refund — the bad news is you’ll have to hide in Costa Rica for a while”
8. “I’ll gladly waive my fee for a night with your wife”
7. “Hey, get me a drink!”
6. “Do you have any dedemptions or exuptions or whatever?”
5. “Relax, everything here will be fine — I used to work for Enron”
4. “Screw the computer — I do all my work on an Etch-A-Sketch”
3. “What’s your rush? The deadline is June 15th, right?”
2. “You can’t claim yourself as your own spouse”
1. “I was late filling your return so I could appear on Letterman”
And the Extras that didn’t make it on the show, but are on the website.
“If I go down, I’m taking you with me”
“Are you cool with tax evasion?”
“Mininum-security federal prisons are actually pretty nice — just ask my other clients”
“What do you call that squiggly number between 7 and 9?”
“If the IRS calls, you’ve never heard of me, okay?”
“Your paperwork might say 1040-ES, but that dress says 1040-EZ”
“Isn’t White-Out delicious?”
“I have this little quirk where I can only fill out tax forms if I’m naked”
“Would you mind if I list my imaginary friend Curtis as one of your dependents?”
“If only there was a machine that could add numbers for you”
“I’m allergic to ink, so I’m going to fill out your form in my own blood”
“See you in six months for the audit”
“For legal reasons, we should probably take a few minutes to get our stories straight”
