From Argus Hamilton:

President Obama paid taxes on six hundred grand in income Friday. He made eight hundred grand last year and a million-seven the year before. While other politicians just talk about economic decline under President Obama, President Obama leads by example.

 

President Obama received a letter from celebrities and musicians Friday who asked him to ease U.S. drug laws and eliminate jail time for users and dealers. The petition is no surprise. If cocaine could do taxes it would list celebrities and musicians as dependents.

 

Congress voted Friday to shield federal officials from having to post their financial dealings online. It overrides last year’s Stock Act meant to catch U.S. officials when they engage in insider trading. Now when NORAD operators spot North Korean missiles in the air they face the difficult choice of either shooting them down or selling Samsung short.

From Argus Hamilton:

The IRS hired more agents to collect all they can from taxpayers Friday. The tax form raises questions. When L.A. residents get to the question asking if you are a farmer, they want to know if the IRS and DEA share information or if it’s more like the FBI and the CIA.

 

The Rolling Stones announced Tuesday they will tour the U.S. this summer beginning in Los Angeles in May. The group is now touring in its sixth decade. There are still drugs available for their friends in the dressing room, but now there’s a fifty dollar co-pay.

 

 President Obama proposed a budget Tuesday that lowers the cost-of-living increases for seniors and doubles the federal tax on cigarettes. It doesn’t add up at all. If there is not enough money for Social Security, he shouldn’t be encouraging people to quit smoking.

 

 The U.S. Postal Service backed down from its threat to end Saturday postal delivery if they don’t get more money. The Postal Service lost sixteen billion dollars last year. This is why you should have your tax refund direct-deposited and not delivered by U.S. mail.

From Jay Leno:

North Korean officials reportedly are planning a cyber attack on the U.S. in an effort to bring our economy to a halt. Nice try guys. You’re five years too late.

Letterman’s annual batch of Tax Season jokes.

10. Take off your clothes and sit on the examining table (Harvey Tanton)

9. Good news — you earned enough to co-sign my mortgage! (Whitney Boyd)

8. My client Wesley Snipes said prison wasn’t so bad (Phil Defalco)

7. Would you like to touch my rubber thumb? (Lawrence Spielman)

6. I’m faxing over your 1099 form right now [makes faxing sound] (Gary Schatsky)

5. Care to make a tax-deductible donation to the Taliban? (Bob Manger)

4. Give me fifty bucks — I’ll make your taxes disappear (Andrew Ross)

3. Do you have someplace to stay until things blow over? (Sandra Bussell)

2. Ignore the blood stains (Richard Koenigsberg)

1. Hey, Nice W-2s (Andrew Rubin)

Now, with video:

From Argus Hamilton:

The White House announced that the president will return five percent of his salary to the U.S. government to share the sacrifice in the sequester budget cuts. He’s paying seventeen hundred a month back to the Treasury. At this rate he’ll reimburse us for what he spent on family vacations but only if he’s president for another twenty-three years.

 

John Kerry declared he will donate five percent of his salary to charity as a sacrifice for the sequester budget cuts. He’s worth two hundred million dollars. For five percent of his Secretary of State’s salary to hurt him he would have had to marry Dionne Warwick.

 

The White House on Monday proclaimed April to be Personal Finance Responsibility Month. The Obama administration put together a website intended to teach children how to manage budgets responsibly. It looks like another case of those who cannot do, teach.

 

The White House backed banks who give home loans to people with bad credit. They threatened banks who refuse. The American Dream is now a thirty-year mortgage and a two-month payment plan, backed by the full faith and paratroopers of the U.S. government.

 

Senator Jay Rockefeller asked Carnival Cruise to reimburse the U.S. Treasury the four million dollars it cost the U.S. government for the Coast Guard to tow last month’s sewage-fouled liner back safely to port. The cruise company is complaining, but they won’t get anywhere. Even the Auto Club only tows you so many times before they start charging you.

From Jay Leno:

Good news: our buddy Wesley Snipes — remember he went to prison in 2010 for tax evasion — he got released earlier this week. The bad news: He’s only got 10 days to file his taxes.

From Dave Letterman:

The White House has now put together a website for kids. It’s a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called “Irony.gov.”

From Jimmy Fallon:

A new report found that, despite the slowing economy, going to college is still paying off. Unfortunately, still paying off is what you’ll be doing with your college loans for the rest of your life.

From Argus Hamilton:

President Obama named April as National Financial Responsibility Month. He wants young people to learn how to budget. In a related story, President Obama told everyone not to sweat the unemployment rate because the depression is covered under ObamaCare.

The White House admitted Friday that ObamaCare is causing health insurance costs to rise. They had promised that the costs would go down and you could still keep your doctor. Unfortunately your doctor has retired but you still have plenty of choices, like in Los Angeles, where you can get the drugs you need from either the Crips or the Bloods.

 Washington Business Monthly reported a real estate survey Monday which said that Washington D.C. is the least affordable city in America. That’s misleading. It takes a lot of money to live in Washington D.C. but most of it is borrowed from China and never paid back.

 The U.S. Bankruptcy Court allowed Stockton, California, to go bankrupt Monday which sparked fears of a domino effect in the Golden State. Now bond investors won’t get their money back. If the Supreme Court didn’t like our prison overcrowding before, they’re really not going to like it when the entire state is walled off into one giant debtor’s prison.

 The New York Times published a length study entitled Social Class in America which factored in education, income and occupations. It’s much simpler than all that. In America, you’re in the upper class if your name is on the building, you’re in the middle class if your name is on your desk, and you’re in the working class if your name is on your shirt.

President Obama told reporters Thursday that his NCAA tournament brackets were completely busted. The president sighed and said they may have been the worst picks he ever made. This means the President’s Council of Economic Advisors has lost the crown.

California lawmakers weighed a bill requiring mattress manufacturers to take back used mattresses from consumers for recycling. The companies are thrilled. After what happened in Cyprus two out of three mattresses will be stuffed with someone’s life savings.

From Argus Hamilton:

Grammy Award-winning legend Dionne Warwick filed for bankruptcy in Los Angeles Wednesday. She listed twenty-five thousand dollars in assets and ten million dollars in debts. She needs a good lawyer or she could serve one to three years as Treasury Secretary.

Cyprus agreed to seize forty percent of the money in all big bank accounts in Cyprus as demanded by the German bankers Thursday. It’s to pay their debts. Every country has its favorite verb, and no one can make the word seize stand up and dance like the Germans.

From Argus Hamilton:

Forbes said that Americans who make two hundred grand per year work six months a year for the government. It’s verifiable. President Obama makes four hundred grand a year and he is pretty much six months on the golf course and six months in the Bahamas.

Senate Republicans were joined by seventeen Senate Democrats Monday in a budget amendment that endorsed the Keystone oil pipeline. It’s an old math formula. The closer you are to your next election the less in favor you are of four-dollar-a-gallon gasoline.

San Diego officials asked the FAA to designate Southern California a drone zone for testing the uses of the unmanned aircraft. People are against it. They don’t want the federal government to know how much money it could make by taxing backyard pot crops.

President Obama’s daughter enjoyed spring break in the Bahamas. Michelle’s just been to Aspen and Biden just did Rome, Paris and London. The sequester cuts don’t affect their travels because they bought time shares during the first year of the first term.

Cyprus made plans to seize forty percent of every bank account with over a hundred thousand Euros in it. They’ve never had a seizure of private property like this before. Cyprus made a colossal mistake last week when they agreed to become our fifty-first state.

President Obama filled out his bracket card for the NCAA basketball tournament this week. ESPN had to analyze his selections by four o’clock. Whenever the president is picking winners and losers, investors have to scamper to sell before the market closes.

Congress held hearings Wednesday on the possibility of a meteor slamming into the United States like the one in Siberia last month. A NASA official said if a meteor approaches the U.S. that Americans should pray. So we’re down to that, either pray that the meteor doesn’t hit us or pray that it hits the Federal Reserve Building and saves us all.

The U.S. Senate tried to save the Senate barber shop from being eliminated in the new budget bill Tuesday. Critics note the Senate barber shop lost three hundred and fifty thousand dollars last year. That makes it the most profitable agency in the U.S. government.

Cyprus agreed to seize ten percent of the money in all Cyprus bank accounts to avoid bankruptcy. It’s an outrageous seizure of private property. The White House issued a statement immediately saying that President Obama is always looking for fresh new ideas.

Eurozone officials said seizing bank accounts like they did in Cyprus can be a model for other countries. It set off international alarms. President Obama just cancelled his summer vacation to Martha’s Vineyard to go to Cyprus for a continuing education seminar.

President Obama met with Ireland’s prime minister and attended a St. Patrick’s Day lunch with U.S. lawmakers Tuesday. Ireland allow actors, comedians, writers of fiction and singers of songs to live there tax-free. So for everybody in Washington, Ireland is Plan B.

The Bible mini-series Sunday introduced the character of Satan who tempts Jesus in the wilderness. The devil is a dead ringer for Barack Obama. He tempted Jesus with an IRS audit if he didn’t stop infringing on the government’s exclusive right to heal people.

New York’s Stop and Frisk policy came under political fire Monday that allows cops to pat down anyone on the street whom they think looks criminally suspicious. It’s racially charged fear that’s felt by everybody in town. Sometimes they need police dogs to tell which white guy is carrying a briefcase full of mortgage-backed securities and Apple stock.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Wal-Mart will test a new delivery method for customers who order online. They’re asking shoppers to drop stuff off for other shoppers on their way home. In exchange, Wal-Mart would give them a discount on their bill. So if you always wanted to work for Wal-Mart but didn’t want to get bogged down with the paycheck and healthcare, this is for you.

From Jimmy Fallon:

Yesterday President Obama told reporters that his NCAA tournament bracket is busted. Obama said they were the worst picks he’s ever made — then he looked at his economic advisers and said, “Ehh, maybe not.”

Via Newsmax:

Jay Leno:

Legendary singer Dionne Warwick filed for bankruptcy, claiming she has only $25,000 in assets but owes more than $10 million in unpaid taxes. She owes 400 times what she has. She could end up serving three years — as the White House budget director.

Jimmy Fallon:

Singer Dionne Warwick has filed for bankruptcy, and revealed that she owes $10 million in back taxes. She’s angry with her accountants for the financial mess and even angrier at her psychics for not giving her a heads up.

From last night’s talk shows, via NewsMax:

Leno:

A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She’s now been given a job at the White House as President Obama’s economic adviser.

The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year.

The island nation of Cyprus is now considering a 10 percent tax on every individual savings account in that country. They’ll take 10 percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama said: “You can do that?”

 

 

From Argus Hamilton:

The Baltimore Ravens signed quarterback Joe Flacco to the richest player contract in NFL history Friday. He agreed to a six-year deal for one hundred and twenty million dollars. He admitted it is a hard number for him to fathom, even before the brain damage.

President Obama signed the sequestration cuts into law which cut the rate of future spending by two percent but didn’t cut any current spending at all. It’s an interesting approach to cutting the budget deficit. It’s like trying to lose weight by eating slightly more

The U.S. Navy announced Monday it’ll stop halting drug shipments headed for the U.S. due to the sequestration cuts. The day before, the IRS said it’ll lay off collection agents. They’re going to have to do better than this if they want Americans to agree to higher taxes.

White House press secretary Jay Carney denied Monday that donors can meet with President Obama for five hundred grand. He said any notion that there is a set price to meet with the president is just wrong. In other words, no reasonable offer will be refused