Tax Guru – Ker$tetter Letter

Shocking Excerpt: IRS Questions To Conservative Groups –  Parody, but not too far off the mark.

From Leno:

This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down.

 

President Obama announced the appointment of a new acting commissioner of the IRS — the other guy was fired. See, they’re called “acting commissioner” because you have to act like the scandal doesn’t involve the White House.

 

A lot of critics are now comparing President Obama to President Nixon. The good news for Obama? At least he’s no longer being compared to President Carter.

 

It has not been a good week for President Obama. You’ve got Benghazi, the IRS scandal, this AP records scandal, and, worst of all, his Chicago Bulls got eliminated by the Miami Heat. Do you know what that means? LeBron James is going to get audited by the IRS.

 

This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever.

 

A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon’s unemployment rate was only 5 percent.

 

This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, “Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?”

 

The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don’t worry. If you’re in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They’ve gone from “Change you can believe in” to “Changing the story until you believe it.”

From Jimmy Fallon:

A town in Minnesota has appointed a 4-year-old boy to be its mayor. People got pretty annoyed when he said his first plan was “waising taxes.”

 

Eagles’ offensive lineman Evan Mathis posted a picture on Instagram that shows him relieving himself on an IRS building with a caption that says, “Audit this!” Or as the IRS said, “OK, see you tomorrow at noon.”

 

The Surgeon General advised Americans who will sunbathe on Memorial Day to use sunscreen on the beach or at the pool. She said to stay covered. When the White House heard that the Surgeon General was an expert on covering up, they put her in charge of the IRS.

 

South Carolina’s Mark Sanford was sworn into Congress this week. He won by telling voters the Bible says sinners should be forgiven seventy times seven times. Afterwards he was surrounded by Members asking him if he would teach them how to use a calculator.

 

 

USA Today reported Wednesday that liberal groups got a pass from the IRS as the IRS targeted GOP conservative groups. Hollywood took note. It appears that Lindsay Lohan was going to jail for tax evasion til she shrewdly changed her name to Obama for America.

 

The IRS Commissioner resigned Wednesday in the scandal over the agency targeting conservatives. They asked Tea Party groups for donor lists, Facebook postings and radio show transcripts, under the penalty of perjury. It didn’t scare us in California, where the jails are full.

From Craig Ferguson:

The IRS has a new boss after it came out they unfairly targeted tea party groups. The president says the new IRS chief is not only good with numbers, but he has more integrity than the last guy. It’s Bernie Madoff.

From Argus Hamilton:

The Washington Post reported the arrival of the first of one trillion cicadas Monday which hatch every seventeen years back East. For the next month a million bugs per acre will be making loud noises proclaiming their freedom. It is why the IRS audited them. 

 

 The IRS apologized for targeting conservative groups for agency scrutiny during last year’s election. The tax collectors targeted GOP groups and donors for audits. It left every comedian wondering if a great joke on this subject is worth all the extra paperwork. 

 

 Congress vowed to investigate the IRS after the agency apologized for targeting GOP conservative political groups and their big donors Friday. The White House can’t escape by blaming this one on Bush. This is the big leagues, they’ve got to blame this one on Nixon.

 

President Obama was grilled as the IRS admitted targeting Tea Partiers Monday. The same day the Justice Department secretly seized reporters’ phone records. It prompted a party at the Nixon Library that night that was so loud the neighbors had to call the police. 

 

 The IRS apologized Friday for targeting Tea Party and conservative groups for extra scrutiny during the election last year. Tea Partiers were audited just for opposing the president. That’s what they get for being a bunch of nuts who don’t trust the government. 

 

 President Obama was ripped after the IRS targeted the Tea Partiers while the Justice Department spied on AP reporters. When he vowed to unite America he didn’t want the right wing and left wing united against him. This leaves you with the middle of the bird.

From Leno:

I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don’t want to get audited by the IRS, so forget that.

 

The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That’s why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back.

 

The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. Believe me. You don’t have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about covering up.

 

Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech weapon: the IRS audit.

 

I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, “Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.” Yeah, “Mistakes were made” — try saying THAT during your next IRS audit.

 

First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama’s biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?

From Argus Hamilton:

The White House announced a one hundred billion dollar budget surplus for next year on Friday. It’s no secret how. The U.S. Senate voted to tax Internet sales Thursday one day after Pfizer began selling Viagra online and the cash is rolling in faster than we can count it.

 

The IRS apologized for targeting Tea Party groups for extra scrutiny last year when they tried to raise money for their cause. It will make for an interesting trial. The tax collectors plan to read the Tea Party platform on the witness stand and plead self-defense.