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Archive for June 9th, 2013

All joking aside…

Posted by taxguru on June 9, 2013

From Argus Hamilton:

Oklahoma was rocked by severe thunderstorms Monday after two straight weeks of tornadoes. They’re working hard to avoid further damage. Oklahomans are frantically trying to register more Democratic voters in case the IRS has any control over the weather.


Los Angeles fire crews battled hillside blazes near Santa Clarita Monday as Governor Jerry Brown took matters into his own hands. It could work. Jerry Brown is on the phone right now trying to persuade the fire to move to Texas for a better economy and lower taxes.


U.S. Congressman Charlie Rangel said the IRS scrutiny of conservatives was the result of a cancer on the IRS office in Cincinnati. Many agree. Michael Douglas now blames his throat cancer on the envelope he licked when he sent in his tax returns seven years ago.


The IRS was found Monday to have spent fifty million dollars of taxpayer money on lavish conferences the last two years. The conference entertainment cost ran up the bill. Throwing taxpayers to the lions was expensive, mostly because of the liability insurance.


IRS commissioner Danny Werfel admitted to Congress Monday that the IRS had overreached in targeting conservative groups. He promised to make it right. The NAACP would be wise to place Pat Buchanan’s face on its fundraising stationery until the heat’s off.


Congress heard testimony from real people Tuesday who’d been targeted by the IRS because they’d sought exemption for their conservative groups. The IRS questions were so intrusive. The only organizations they didn’t red flag were the ones that have a red flag.


Kentucky Fried Chicken disclosed Sunday that KFC franchises sell twenty-five pieces of chicken per second. That’s half the number it was. KFC used to sell fifty pieces of chickens per second until three years ago when the right wings started getting audited.


Barack Obama backed a bill Tuesday to crack down on patent trolls who in the tech world are considered intellectual parasites. It’s confusing. When headlines said Obama was getting tough on trolls, everyone just assumed the IRS had been replaced by a flat tax.


Chrysler refused a U.S. government recall demand that the automaker recall over two million Jeeps and Grand Cherokees Wednesday. The government says the gas tank placement is unsafe. Anything that holds a hundred dollars worth of gasoline should be in a bank vault.


The IRS was discovered Tuesday to have spent fifty million dollars on lavish retreats at resort hotels. Videotape showed agents at the conference line-dancing and playing party games. They had fun bashing pinatas, and funny enough they were all shaped just like Republicans.


From  The Empty Chair II, An Eastwood-Obama Sequel:

From what we’ve been learning about the IRS, it seems like you’re not very tolerant of opposition, let alone criticism.  I know your story is that it’s all the fault of low-level staffers in Cincinnati.  Do you really expect us to believe that a president whose main qualification was being a “community organizer” had nothing to do with a plan to stop certain political action committees from forming?


Come to think of it, weren’t you the guy in ’08 who sent out “truth squads” of prosecutors and sheriffs to threaten people who said bad things about you?  Didn’t you also try to scare TV stations out of running an ad by an organization that’s unfriendly to you?  What the IRS has done pretty much falls in line with that stuff, doesn’t it?


As someone who holds lots of political opinions that most people don’t think go together, I’m a little confused about whether I’m allowed to speak or not.  I take it any opinion I state that agrees with you is acceptable, but as soon as I disagree, the taxman will be on me like a throbbing forehead vein.


From Jay Leno:

The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she’s going to have to pay, the IRS said it’s too early to tell because they don’t know whether she’s a Republican or Democrat.


The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting events. They say they’re not sure of the exact amount they spent because they didn’t keep any receipts. I think Wesley Snipes is saying, “Hey, what about me? I didn’t have my receipts.”

From Conan:

The 84-year-old woman who won the half-billion-dollar Powerball lottery asked for it to be given in a lump sum. Then she said, “Actually, can I get that in the next hour?”


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