A week’s worth of jokes…
Posted by taxguru on August 20, 2013
From F.R. Duplantier:
“Going places together’s a drag
As Michelle and I’d rather go stag:
Either way, we both will
Rashly run up the bill
And leave taxpayers holding the bag.”
From Fred Thompson:
A federal audit shows $500 million was spent on “green jobs” training, despite a lack of jobs in the industry. They should be pushing people into a growing field, like bankruptcy attorney.
The New York Times sold the Boston Globe for $70 million – a 93% loss. Whoever made that call must be angling for a shot at being Obama’s budget director.
The Democratic National Committee has received more than $245,000 from contributors listed as “deceased”. They vote, they give money – heck, I’m just waiting for them to show up as poll workers now.
Scientists are predicting that the polarity of the sun’s magnetic field will flip within the next 3 months. Hopefully after another year, something similar will happen in the Senate.
The Office of Personnel Management issued a decision saying that members of Congress will now have the government pay for their health insurance under Obamacare. How about we cut them back to working 28 hours a week, instead?
Real estate website Zillow listed the White House as a “magnificent 132-room mansion” with a market price of $319.6 million. The only flaw – a $17 trillion underwater mortgage.
Despite the movie’s obvious “haves vs. have-nots” theme, “Elysium” star Matt Damon said the movie “isn’t trying to say anything”. Judging from the box office numbers, it’s not trying to make anything, either.
The National Science Foundation gave a $78,000 grant to study whether “climate change” was a primary cause for the decline of the Mayan civilization. Here’s another theory: maybe it collapsed because of ridiculous government spending programs.
Eric Holder plans to reduce prison sentences for people convicted of using drugs. Oddly, not a peep on penalties for people held in contempt of Congress.
From Argus Hamilton:
Cairo erupted in pitched battles between the Army and the Muslim Brotherhood last week. Many middle class Egyptians are revolting because in their system the poor get handouts and the rich get bailouts. Thank God that could never happen in the United States.
The NBC mini series starring Diane Lane as Hillary Clinton was reportedly optioned to Fox for production Friday. The roster of co-stars is not complete. Casting directors are looking in every bank in Little Rock for the right sack of cash to play the love of her life.
Greece’s prime minister was at the White House last week seeking financial aid after the Greek government defaulted on its bonds. The money invested in Greece has been reinvested in much safer bonds. They pay fifteen percent tax-free if the Confederacy wins the war.
Forbes rated Jerry Jones’ Dallas Cowboys the most valuable NFL franchise at two and a half billion dollars. The man is willing to sacrifice. Jerry Jones sold off his oil and gas holdings twenty-five years ago to buy the Dallas Cowboys, or he’d be worth real money.
The New York Times says the Clinton Global Initiative is a front for companies which want access to the Clintons. They said Serta donated big bucks to link their Perfect Sleeper bed with Bill Clinton. No one knew until now that Serta makes Oval shaped carpets.
San Francisco protesters sprayed anti-Google and anti-Facebook slurs on company commuter buses. They say rich high-tech employees raise rents and force the middle class out of the city. Only in San Francisco does spray paint even occur to the middle class.
Missouri’s State Fair banned a rodeo clown for life who wore a Barack Obama mask while a bull chased him around the arena. It’s a popular disguise. Robbers often walk into bank lobbies wearing a Barack Obama mask, only they give the teller a trillion dollars.
Michael Jackson was reported by forensic accountants at the L.A. civil trial to have been five hundred million in debt when he died. Now that he’s dead he’s worth billions in memorabilia sales and tribute concerts. It’s why Paul McCartney won’t drink anything his kids offer him.
Oprah Winfrey said she was insulted by a Swiss sales clerk who told her she couldn’t afford a forty thousand dollar purse, before Oprah indignantly pulled out her wallet and bought it. What a moment. Any car dealer will tell you that’s exactly how you sell a Bentley.
Mexico’s President Enrique Pena Nieto proposed a plan to allow foreign oil companies to take part in Mexico’s state-run oil company. They want us down there to increase overall business. Mexican kidnappers are working with flash cards so they can instantly tell the difference between an oil worker and an oil executive, so we don’t waste each other’s time.
President Obama met Greece’s prime minister at the White House Friday. They had a nice exchange. He gave Greece advice on how save their economy and Greece gave him advice on how to make a tourist destination out of the ruins of your former civilization.
Apple founder Steve Jobs’ brilliant life is the subject of a new movie this weekend called Jobs, starring Ashton Kutcher as the visionary. The sneak preview in L.A. caused a riot. Everyone saw Jobs up on the marquee and stormed the box office demanding an interview.
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos bought the Washington Post on Tuesday. He now controls the press coverage of every congressman and senator in Washington. The Internet sales tax is now the deadest thing in Washington D.C. that doesn’t have its own monument on the Mall.
Californians were furious Friday over test scores that show drastic drops in student test scores in English and math. The opinion of the education establishment is unanimous. The only thing that will solve this problem is a twenty percent bump in teachers’ pensions.
USA Today took rock stars to task Friday for gouging fans with high ticket prices at summer concerts and clearing a huge percentage of ticket sales. In addition, they’re scalping their own tickets. The only reason the Rolling Stones are still touring is because Mick Jagger has a Masters in Economics and figured out how to defeat Internet song piracy.
From Conan O’Brien:
According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job.
Oprah was shopping in Switzerland and a Swiss clerk refused to show her a $38,000 purse. To prove her point, Oprah bought Switzerland.
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