From Argus Hamilton:

From Jay Leno:

Iran has elected a new president named Hassan Rohani. Rohani has promised to improve Iran’s economy and fix the unemployment problem. If that doesn’t work, he’s going to blame the whole thing on President Bush.

From Craig Ferguson:

From Jimmy Fallon:

From Argus Hamilton:

IRS officials admitted the tax-exempt scrutiny squad searches for words like Patriot, Liberty and Tea Party in petitioner literature to trigger audits and delays. England can’t believe their good luck. If they’d scrutinized every pamphleteer who mentioned Liberty, Patriot and Tea Party two hundred and forty years ago, we’d still be their problem.

 

The U.S. Senate heard testimony from the NSA Director Keith Alexander over the NSA secret data collection program. He said the NSA doesn’t use this information against President Obama’s political opponents. That’s the IRS’s job and they’re in a different union.

 

China launched a spaceship with three astronauts aboard it Monday which will dock with China’s spacelab. The astronauts will telecast a view of the North American land mass to kids in school in China. They are being trained in debt collection and asset seizure.

 

President Obama’s job approval rating took a hit in the Gallup Poll Wednesday. Only forty-five percent of Americans approve of the job he’s doing. That means fifty-five percent of Americans are going through the shoebox in the closet getting ready for an audit.

 

The IRS canceled the purchase of spy equipment Wednesday including cameras for office spying. The good news about all the surveillance is there is no obesity epidemic. It’s just that Americans are always in front of someone’s camera and it puts on ten pounds.

 

From Jay Leno:

Quarterback Tim Tebow has signed with the New England Patriots. So the good news is that Tebow got a job. The bad news: Now he’s associated with the word “patriot,” and he’s being audited by the IRS.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

In March, Forbes magazine put out their annual list of the world’s richest people, and one of the people was a Saudi Arabian prince, and he is furious about it. Forbes estimated his net worth at around $20 billion, and he claims he is worth $30 billion, so now he is suing Forbes. I love the premise: Say I’m more rich or I’ll sue you.

From Jay Leno:

President Obama clarified the situation today. He said no one is listening to your phone calls. He said it’s not what the program is all about. You know, like the IRS targeting certain political groups. That’s not what it’s about.

 

The IRS has taken some heat for reportedly spending $4 million on a conference in Anaheim last year, where employees took dancing lessons. One of the dances they learned? Tap dancing around the issues.

 

If Obama wants to put this snooping thing to good use, how about spying on the IRS the next time they throw a $4 million party? Why don’t you do that?

From Argus Hamilton:

New York slapped a warning label on sugary fruit and energy drinks Friday. They’re trying to make it criminal to be overweight. It’s only a matter of time before the U.S. Senate hears testimony that the IRS has been pressing Weight Watchers groups for names. 

 

 The IRS admitted spending four million dollars at an Anaheim conference that included suites, spa and luxury dining. They said they don’t know the exact amount because they did not keep the receipts. That excuse didn’t save Al Capone and it’s not going to save the IRS. 

 

 Olympic star Lindsay Vonn was forced to give a urine sample to a World Anti-Doping Agency agent during a fashion awards dinner she was attending in New York Tuesday. It’s galling. The IRS just called the World Anti-Doping Agency and asked if they do Republicans.

 

Florida retiree Gloria MacKenzie was identified Friday as the holder of the winning ticket in last week’s Powerball Lottery, giving her the jackpot of five hundred and ninety million dollars. She is is eighty-four years old. For crying out loud, she’s set for life.

 

House Democrat Elijah Cummings ripped the administration over IRS misconduct Friday. Other Democrats slammed the White House for allowing the NSA to listen to all phone calls. Even CNN admitted that President Bush’s fourth term is not going very well.

From Fred Thompson:

Lois Lerner, the IRS Director of Exempt Organizations, signed letters that were sent to targeted groups asking them to turn over an extensive amount of information to the IRS. Bad news, Lois – the 5th Amendment doesn’t apply to signatures.

 

A new report shows that prison inmates in New Jersey have picked up $23 million in government benefit payments. Huh. I thought criminals had to get elected before getting government paychecks. 

 

Sick of government interference, one doctor in Maine has completely stopped taking insurance and now only accepts cash. Like they used to say in the 60s: suppose they gave a mandate and nobody came? 

 

A recent CNN poll revealed that 54% of Americans still do not support Obamacare. In other news, 54% of Americans are expected to receive IRS audits this year.

 

A new poll shows that 76% of Americans want a Special Prosecutor to investigate the IRS Scandal. The other 24% said they’d settle for a guy with a cattle prod who hasn’t had his morning coffee yet. 

 

Even the New York Times is starting to question President Obama’s travel expenses in this era of belt-tightening. Guess it’s easier than asking “what did he know, and when did he know it?” 

 

Twelve of Egypt’s best-known bloggers and activists are headed to trial for insulting that nation’s President. Seems excessive, but at least they didn’t get audited first.

Even John Stewart can’t help laughing at BHO’s over-use of the lie that he learns about all of his Regime’s scandals from the normal news media reports. 

From Argus Hamilton:

Oklahoma was rocked by severe thunderstorms Monday after two straight weeks of tornadoes. They’re working hard to avoid further damage. Oklahomans are frantically trying to register more Democratic voters in case the IRS has any control over the weather.

 

Los Angeles fire crews battled hillside blazes near Santa Clarita Monday as Governor Jerry Brown took matters into his own hands. It could work. Jerry Brown is on the phone right now trying to persuade the fire to move to Texas for a better economy and lower taxes.

 

U.S. Congressman Charlie Rangel said the IRS scrutiny of conservatives was the result of a cancer on the IRS office in Cincinnati. Many agree. Michael Douglas now blames his throat cancer on the envelope he licked when he sent in his tax returns seven years ago.

 

The IRS was found Monday to have spent fifty million dollars of taxpayer money on lavish conferences the last two years. The conference entertainment cost ran up the bill. Throwing taxpayers to the lions was expensive, mostly because of the liability insurance.

 

IRS commissioner Danny Werfel admitted to Congress Monday that the IRS had overreached in targeting conservative groups. He promised to make it right. The NAACP would be wise to place Pat Buchanan’s face on its fundraising stationery until the heat’s off.

 

Congress heard testimony from real people Tuesday who’d been targeted by the IRS because they’d sought exemption for their conservative groups. The IRS questions were so intrusive. The only organizations they didn’t red flag were the ones that have a red flag.

 

Kentucky Fried Chicken disclosed Sunday that KFC franchises sell twenty-five pieces of chicken per second. That’s half the number it was. KFC used to sell fifty pieces of chickens per second until three years ago when the right wings started getting audited.

 

Barack Obama backed a bill Tuesday to crack down on patent trolls who in the tech world are considered intellectual parasites. It’s confusing. When headlines said Obama was getting tough on trolls, everyone just assumed the IRS had been replaced by a flat tax.

 

Chrysler refused a U.S. government recall demand that the automaker recall over two million Jeeps and Grand Cherokees Wednesday. The government says the gas tank placement is unsafe. Anything that holds a hundred dollars worth of gasoline should be in a bank vault.

 

The IRS was discovered Tuesday to have spent fifty million dollars on lavish retreats at resort hotels. Videotape showed agents at the conference line-dancing and playing party games. They had fun bashing pinatas, and funny enough they were all shaped just like Republicans.

From  The Empty Chair II, An Eastwood-Obama Sequel:

From what we’ve been learning about the IRS, it seems like you’re not very tolerant of opposition, let alone criticism.  I know your story is that it’s all the fault of low-level staffers in Cincinnati.  Do you really expect us to believe that a president whose main qualification was being a “community organizer” had nothing to do with a plan to stop certain political action committees from forming?

 

Come to think of it, weren’t you the guy in ’08 who sent out “truth squads” of prosecutors and sheriffs to threaten people who said bad things about you?  Didn’t you also try to scare TV stations out of running an ad by an organization that’s unfriendly to you?  What the IRS has done pretty much falls in line with that stuff, doesn’t it?

 

As someone who holds lots of political opinions that most people don’t think go together, I’m a little confused about whether I’m allowed to speak or not.  I take it any opinion I state that agrees with you is acceptable, but as soon as I disagree, the taxman will be on me like a throbbing forehead vein.

From Jay Leno:

The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she’s going to have to pay, the IRS said it’s too early to tell because they don’t know whether she’s a Republican or Democrat.

 

The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting events. They say they’re not sure of the exact amount they spent because they didn’t keep any receipts. I think Wesley Snipes is saying, “Hey, what about me? I didn’t have my receipts.”

From Conan:

The 84-year-old woman who won the half-billion-dollar Powerball lottery asked for it to be given in a lump sum. Then she said, “Actually, can I get that in the next hour?”