From Jay Leno:

From Dave Letterman:

We put up with the IRS. They weasel you and take your hard-earned money. They’ve been taking their tax dollars and throwing themselves lavish parties. I was thinking, “Yeah, well, what good is it being a bunch of power-hungry, jack-booted goons if you can’t enjoy yourselves, if you can’t every now and then pat yourself on the back?”

From Leno:

From Conan:

This week President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks with the president of China. Yes, President Obama’s message to China is going to be, “I swear we’ll have the money for you by Tuesday.”

 From Fred Thompson:

During a congressional hearing, outgoing IRS commissioner Steven Miller admitted that the IRS provided “horrible customer service” by targeting Tea Party groups. Sure. As if the reason we’re mad is that we don’t get a free pen with every audit.

 

The Internal Revenue Service has created eight offices and special “teams” to handle Obamacare enforcement. Thankfully, we can now afford that thanks to canceling White House tours.

 

In St. Louis, armed Homeland Security agents monitored Tea Party members protesting the IRS. Good idea. When people think their government is out to get them, the best response is to send the government out to get them.

From Argus Hamilton:

The San Antonio Spurs swept Memphis to make the NBA Finals while the Miami Heat tried to hold off Indianapolis. All four playoff teams left fans bored by their slow pace and tight defense. If they had played any more conservatively they’d be targeted by the IRS.

 

The Quinnipiac Poll said Thursday that seventy-six percent of Americans want a special prosecutor for the IRS scandal. The people don’t understand the process. Just because you get a special prosecutor doesn’t mean that you get the details of the president’s sex life.

 

White House logs revealed IRS Commissioner Doug Shulman visited President Obama one hundred eighty times. We’re witnessing history. President Obama isn’t the first to use the IRS to go after political opponents but he is the first to put them on an Enemas List.

From Argus Hamilton:

Capitol Hill prepared four IRS investigations for targeting conservative groups this week. It’s crazy. So many investigations are raining down on the White House that the governors of Oklahoma and New Jersey just declared the White House a disaster area.

Wall Street investors celebrated Tuesday as the Dow Jones averages reached double what they were when Barack Obama took office. Speculators no longer denounce the president for his socialist leanings. They’re starting to wonder what a communist could do.

Wall Street soared Tuesday with the Dow Jones doubling where it was when Barack Obama took office. The numbers don’t lie. They cement President Obama’s place as the worst socialist in U.S. history and President Bush’s place as the worst capitalist in U.S. history.

President Obama was in Chicago Wednesday for a Democratic Party gala. It’s the city where he gets his spiritual advice. However the president’s séance with the late Mayor Daley was interrupted when Al Capone broke in to gripe about getting targeted by the IRS.

The IRS was sued in Washington D.C. by twenty-five conservative groups for targeting them. The scrutiny went on for three years. Rush Limbaugh tried to draw tacklers away from the groups when he introduced his own brand of tea but the IRS didn’t go for the fake.

From Argus Hamilton:

Senator Lindsay Graham called for a special prosecutor to probe the IRS targeting of conservatives during the election. Don’t forget Hollywood’s role. TCM ran a golf movie marathon on Election Day that kept conservatives glued to their TV sets til the polls closed.

 

The U.S. Department of Education is reviewing a recent study that suggested different menus and different exercises for boys and girls in U.S. schools to fight obesity. The study claims that male fat is different than female fat. It’s true, male fat is canceled out by wealth.

From Fred Thompson:

In a recent speech, President Obama said that Republicans are “still telling tall tales” about Obamacare. Not as tall as that 20,000-page stack of Obamacare regulations.

 

Democrat Congressman Charlie Rangel said that President Obama needs to “give more of an answer” on the IRS scandal. Like what? “I really, really didn’t know”?

 

David Axelrod said Obama couldn’t have known about all these scandals “because the government is so vast” Really? This administration seems more half-vast to me. 

 

Turns out that, just last year, a group of seven Senate Democrats sent a letter to the IRS urging them to investigate conservative political groups. This from the crowd that abhors the notion of profiling at airports. A belligerent North Korea launched three short-range missiles into the waters off its eastern coast. No word on whether they were actually targeting the Tea Party.

From Argus Hamilton:

The Powerball winner will pay Uncle Sam two hundred twenty-four million in taxes when he cashes Saturday’s jackpot this week. The U.S. government is anxious to find out the person’s name. They don’t want to christen the next battleship the Anonymous Winner.

 

Congress heard testimony on the IRS, the Justice Department and Benghazi last week from whistle-blowers. It was relentless. The last time President Obama heard this many whistle-blowers he was taking five steps to the basket in an attempt to make a free throw. 

 

 IRS official Lois Lerner told Congress Wednesday she’s done nothing wrong, broken no laws and violated no IRS rules. Then she took the Fifth. The Republicans immediately called some tobacco executives to double-check exactly how the Fifth Amendment works. 

 

 President Obama said he didn’t know the IRS targeted Tea Partiers and he didn’t know the Justice Department spied on AP reporters, and he didn’t know at first Benghazi was a terrorist attack. It’s a smart strategy. By telling us he doesn’t know anything, he’s trying to convince us that Joe Biden is already president and we can skip the impeachment.

From Leno:

White House officials insist that President Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week. They said because there was an investigation under way, it would have been inappropriate to tell him. And besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi.

 

It is not looking good for President Obama. Today, his teleprompter took the fifth. In fact, the White House has changed their slogan from, “Yes, we can” to “No, I can’t remember.”

 

The latest scandal in Washington, of course, is raising questions about the IRS. You know, I have a question. Why is it called the Internal Revenue Service? How is having your money confiscated a service?

 

A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRS and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this.

From Conan:

President Obama is in a lot of hot water lately. Despite the scandals, 53 percent of Americans say they approve of the job he’s doing. The other 47 percent are being audited.

 

A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden.

From Argus Hamilton:

The Chicago Bulls were eliminated by the Miami Heat in the NBA playoffs Thursday in a brutal series between the two physical teams. The Bulls are the president’s favorite team. The Miami Heat now head to Washington D.C. to face their toughest opponent, the IRS.

 

The House Ways and Means Committee ripped IRS officials for targeting government opponents for scrutiny and reprisal. It’s an old tradition. Will Rogers once said America has the best government money can buy, then he died in a mysterious plane crash in Alaska.

 

President Obama asked Congress Thursday for more money to guard U.S. embassies from attack. It’s not necessary. All we have to do is register al-Qaeda as a conservative political action group and the IRS will shut them down for their anti-U.S. government views.

 

IRS official Sarah Ingraham, who was in charge of targeting conservatives, was put in charge of doling out ObamaCare. Hollywood noticed. Angelina Jolie is already estranged from her conservative father Jon Voight so it won’t bother her to rat on him to get her breast surgery.

 

IRS Commissioner Steven Miller stonewalled Congress in testimony Friday. He stated he’s an acting commissioner. That’s someone from Second City who knows how to act like the executive branch had no knowledge the IRS was targeting conservative groups.

 

The Powerball Lottery winning numbers came up Saturday with six hundred million going to the winning ticket-holder. It’s easier to predict what the winner will be than it is who the winner will be. The Oxford Dictionary defines a lottery winner as a former Democrat.

 

Philadelphia Eagles lineman Evan Mathis posted a photo on Instagram that showed him relieving himself on an IRS building in the city’s old colonial district. It should be easy for the IRS to track him down. All they have to do is follow the yellow brick road.

 

The IRS announced Friday it’s hiring thousands of specialists to review everyone’s tax records to enforce ObamaCare. Buy stock in companies that make rubber gloves. The IRS is hiring so many proctologists that the immigration department can’t issue the high-tech visas fast enough to keep up with demand.

 

President Obama said Friday he had no idea the IRS was targeting conservatives last year. He can say nothing else. Barack Obama once starred in a student movie, and when the script called for him to admit to doing something wrong, they had to get a stunt double.

 

The CNN poll Monday said sixty percent of Americans said they believe Obama when he says he didn’t know the IRS was targeting conservatives That’s odd. It was the number-one topic in every foursome at every golf club in America, how could he not know about it?

From Leno:

President Obama gave the commencement address at Morehouse College over the weekend. Great speech, very inspiring. He told the young graduates their future is bright — unless, of course, they want jobs.

 

The White House admitted President Obama’s chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals was from the media. See, that’s why President Obama holds press conferences. It’s not to explain what’s going on. It’s to find out what’s going on.

 

Singer Mary J. Blige has been slapped with a $3.4 million bill from the IRS. I didn’t even know she was a tea party member.

From Jimmy Fallon:

These scandals at the White House are just getting worse. It turns out that President Obama’s chief of staff knew about the scandal at the IRS three weeks before the president found out. Obama was like, “Anything else you guys aren’t telling me?” And Joe Biden was like, “Uh . . . I broke the copier.”

 

President Obama’s team knew about the IRS scandal but kept him in the dark about it. Or as Obama put it, “Guys, when I said ‘no spoilers,’ I was just talking about ‘Game of Thrones.'”