Tax Guru – Ker$tetter Letter

From Argus Hamilton:

A Los Angeles squirrel was found dead of bubonic plague Friday. Six hundred years ago the bubonic plague killed half the people of Europe, and the labor shortage created a huge economic boom. But remember, if it gets us out of this recession, it’s just a plague.

 

President Obama spoke at Central Missouri College Wednesday. His staffers refused to allow College Republicans or anyone wearing patriotic clothing into the building. Everyone not allowed inside was forced into a boxcar and transported to IRS headquarters.

 

The IRS employees’ union stated Friday they don’t want to switch health coverage to ObamaCare. IRS agents have seen it and they don’t want it. ObamaCare limits the number of pints of blood you can have, and vampires won’t go any place that’s got a two-drink limit.

 

Saudi Prince Alawed bin Talal warned that soaring U.S. oil drilling threatens Saudi oil profits. U.S. oil imports are at a low and U.S. oil exports are up. People who used to accuse Barack Obama of being a Muslim never thought it might make him a natural oil sheik as well.

 

PGA star Hunter Mahan was the second-round leader in the Canadian Open when he left the course to attend his baby’s birth in Dallas and gave up the million-dollar prize. He’s not as stupid as he sounds. The taxes in Canada are so high that by not winning a million dollars up there and winding up in Texas, he came out a hundred thousand dollars ahead.

 

President Obama held a meeting with his cabinet at Camp David last weekend. They kicked around new tax-raising ideas in the next House budget negotiations. There was once a time when a fool and his money were soon parted but now it happens to everybody.

 

The White House asked stars to urge young adults to buy ObamaCare. Young people must pay to subsidize health care for older people, so their parents will live forever and they’ll never inherit any money to pay off their student loans. It’s only a matter of time before young people secede from the Union.

 

Saudi Prince Alawed bin Talal warned that soaring U.S. oil drilling under the Obama Administration threatens OPEC. Right now, Wall Street, big banks, and oil are booming and Detroit is bankrupt. Now it’s the Democrats who want to see Obama’s birth certificate.

 

President Obama declared Tuesday that the Keystone pipeline would only provide fifty permanent jobs. That’s true as far as it goes. However, you could say the New England Patriots only provide fifty permanent jobs but look at the jobs they generate in food, beverage, clothing sales, television ad revenue and, this year, blood spatter analysis and Bible sales.

From Fred Thompson:

TV star Nathan Fillion refused to show up on set recently, while negotiating for a 4-day work-week. Thanks to Obamacare, most Americans will get that whether they want it or not. 

 

Due to a computer error, PayPal accidentally credited a man in Pennsylvania $92,233,720,368,547,800. Heck, that could have paid for 6 months of Obamacare. 

 

In Waukegan, IL, police said they are investigating at least two incidents in which a man caused slow leaks in young women’s car tires, then offered to help them. Think he got the idea from Obama’s economic plan? 

 

The Department of Housing and Urban Development plans to map every neighborhood in America in an effort to “eliminate segregation”. Oh… so the government’s going to change their focus from eliminating employment for a while?

 

 The IRS lawyer who targeted Tea Partiers for auditing met with President Obama 2 days before implementing the program last year. Probably just Obama vetting Treasury Secretary nominees.

 From Jay Leno:

Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. No, that is not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They’re called campaign promises.

 

In a speech about the economy, President Obama said we’ve all been distracted by phony scandals. It’s time we started getting distracted by the phony recovery.

 

The head of the TSA said beginning later this year people can pay an $85 fee that will allow them to go through the airport line very quickly with minimal checking. Or as terrorists call that, money well spent.

From Argus Hamilton:

President Obama gave an hour-long speech on Wednesday in which he complained that the House probes into the IRS and Justice Department are just phony scandals. No one paid attention. In order make the news these days, he would have to confess to lewd-texting tea-partiers to avenge Trayvon.

 

Phil Mickelson paid half his two-million-dollar prize money for winning the Scottish and British Open to British tax collectors. It supports Britain’s cradle-to-grave welfare system. Maybe now Phil Mickelson understands why the gallery made him feel like a king.

 

The Bank of England will put Jane Austen’s portrait on ten pound currency bills to salute women, It’s been tried before. When the U.S. put Susan B. Anthony on a dollar coin in the Seventies. you’d give one to the homeless and they’d say they weren’t THAT hungry.

From Argus Hamilton:

Democrats love the Royal Family because they display the life that’s possible when you live off the government and keep having kids.

 

Senate Republicans weighed a plan Tuesday to refuse any funding for implementing ObamaCare when it becomes law this fall. You can’t make it up. ObamaCare turned out to be so costly and so unenforceable it’s got Americans open to the idea of DarwinCare.

 

Alex Rodriguez faced a possible lifetime suspension from baseball Thursday despite his convincing denials of recent steroid use. It points to a clinical study that says people get better at lying the more they lie. It really shows the need for term limits in Washington.

 

The U.S. Senate passed a bill allowing college students to get student loans at existing market rates. The tuition costs are insane today. They’re necessary to fund half-million dollar salaries for professors, otherwise who do we have to teach kids that wealth is evil?

From Jay Leno:

According to a new study, lying gets easier over time. People get better at lying the more they do it. See, that’s why you have to have term limits.

The royal baby is set to inherit $1 billion. In fact, he’s so rich that he’s already dating a girl half his age.

From Jay Leno:

Detroit has become the largest city in U.S. history to file for bankruptcy. What happened was Detroit’s population dropped something like 70 percent, but the government got bigger. The tax base got smaller, but the government got bigger. Thank God that kind of thing could never happen in Washington.

Detroit filed for bankruptcy Friday listing eighteen billion dollars in municipal debt and pensions it can’t pay. The declining business revenues can’t support government services. President Obama just told reporters that if he had a city it would look like Detroit.

 

Barack Obama said Friday he himself might have wound up like Trayvon Martin. Not likely. Any black kid who was destined to double the Dow Jones, save banks and double oil profits would be greeted in any gated community with gold, frankincense and myrrh.

From Argus Hamilton:

From Fred Thompson:

President Obama said he wants to use Google’s model to create “a smarter government”. Nah, he should try the Twitter model: no new laws over 140 characters long.

 

Scientists have developed a revolutionary new blood test that can tell you how long you will live. Big deal. Obama already developed a panel that will do the same thing.

 

All 45 Senate Republicans are calling for the implementation of Obamacare to be permanently delayed. President Obama disagreed, pushing for a permanent delay in economic recovery, instead.

 

Despite President Obama’s announcement to the contrary, Nancy Pelosi said “the employer mandate was not delayed”. Apparently Obama hasn’t given her a bill to pass so she can find out for sure.

 

After a year, the State Department has yet to fully comply with requests under the Freedom of Information Act to list Hillary Clinton’s travel expenses. Well, at least you can be sure Benghazi visits didn’t cost a dime.

 

After declaring bankruptcy a few months ago, Hostess announced that Twinkies will soon be returning to store shelves, but now they’ll be 10% smaller. Ah… the perfect metaphor for Obama’s “recovery”.