From Fred Thompson:

During a speech at Georgetown University, U2 frontman Bono said, “capitalism takes more people out of poverty than aid”. Hope he enjoyed his last White House visit.

White House economic adviser David Furman said there’s “no evidence” that Obamacare is making employers cut back on worker hours. Probably because the guys responsible for reporting it had their hours cut back.

EPA Chief Gina McCarthy said that enforcing strict greenhouse gas regulations “will grow the economy”. Sure. Like Roundup grows dandelions.

From F.R. Duplantier:

VACAY
 “Going places together’s a drag
 As Michelle and I’d rather go stag:
 Either way, we both will
 Rashly run up the bill
 And leave taxpayers holding the bag.”

From Fred Thompson:

A federal audit shows $500 million was spent on “green jobs” training, despite a lack of jobs in the industry. They should be pushing people into a growing field, like bankruptcy attorney.

 

The New York Times sold the Boston Globe for $70 million – a 93% loss. Whoever made that call must be angling for a shot at being Obama’s budget director.

 

The Democratic National Committee has received more than $245,000 from contributors listed as “deceased”. They vote, they give money – heck, I’m just waiting for them to show up as poll workers now.

 

Scientists are predicting that the polarity of the sun’s magnetic field will flip within the next 3 months. Hopefully after another year, something similar will happen in the Senate.

 

The Office of Personnel Management issued a decision saying that members of Congress will now have the government pay for their health insurance under Obamacare. How about we cut them back to working 28 hours a week, instead?

 

Real estate website Zillow listed the White House as a “magnificent 132-room mansion” with a market price of $319.6 million. The only flaw – a $17 trillion underwater mortgage.

 

Despite the movie’s obvious “haves vs. have-nots” theme, “Elysium” star Matt Damon said the movie “isn’t trying to say anything”. Judging from the box office numbers, it’s not trying to make anything, either.

 

The National Science Foundation gave a $78,000 grant to study whether “climate change” was a primary cause for the decline of the Mayan civilization. Here’s another theory: maybe it collapsed because of ridiculous government spending programs.

 

Eric Holder plans to reduce prison sentences for people convicted of using drugs. Oddly, not a peep on penalties for people held in contempt of Congress.

From Argus Hamilton:

Cairo erupted in pitched battles between the Army and the Muslim Brotherhood last week. Many middle class Egyptians are revolting because in their system the poor get handouts and the rich get bailouts. Thank God that could never happen in the United States.

 

The NBC mini series starring Diane Lane as Hillary Clinton was reportedly optioned to Fox for production Friday. The roster of co-stars is not complete. Casting directors are looking in every bank in Little Rock for the right sack of cash to play the love of her life.

 

Greece’s prime minister was at the White House last week seeking financial aid after the Greek government defaulted on its bonds. The money invested in Greece has been reinvested in much safer bonds. They pay fifteen percent tax-free if the Confederacy wins the war.

 

Forbes rated Jerry Jones’ Dallas Cowboys the most valuable NFL franchise at two and a half billion dollars. The man is willing to sacrifice. Jerry Jones sold off his oil and gas holdings twenty-five years ago to buy the Dallas Cowboys, or he’d be worth real money.

 

The New York Times says the Clinton Global Initiative is a front for companies which want access to the Clintons. They said Serta donated big bucks to link their Perfect Sleeper bed with Bill Clinton. No one knew until now that Serta makes Oval shaped carpets.

 

San Francisco protesters sprayed anti-Google and anti-Facebook slurs on company commuter buses. They say rich high-tech employees raise rents and force the middle class out of the city. Only in San Francisco does spray paint even occur to the middle class.

 

Missouri’s State Fair banned a rodeo clown for life who wore a Barack Obama mask while a bull chased him around the arena. It’s a popular disguise. Robbers often walk into bank lobbies wearing a Barack Obama mask, only they give the teller a trillion dollars.

 

Michael Jackson was reported by forensic accountants at the L.A. civil trial to have been five hundred million in debt when he died. Now that he’s dead he’s worth billions in memorabilia sales and tribute concerts. It’s why Paul McCartney won’t drink anything his kids offer him.

 

Oprah Winfrey said she was insulted by a Swiss sales clerk who told her she couldn’t afford a forty thousand dollar purse, before Oprah indignantly pulled out her wallet and bought it. What a moment. Any car dealer will tell you that’s exactly how you sell a Bentley.

 

Mexico’s President Enrique Pena Nieto proposed a plan to allow foreign oil companies to take part in Mexico’s state-run oil company. They want us down there to increase overall business. Mexican kidnappers are working with flash cards so they can instantly tell the difference between an oil worker and an oil executive, so we don’t waste each other’s time.

 

President Obama met Greece’s prime minister at the White House Friday. They had a nice exchange. He gave Greece advice on how save their economy and Greece gave him advice on how to make a tourist destination out of the ruins of your former civilization.

 

Apple founder Steve Jobs’ brilliant life is the subject of a new movie this weekend called Jobs, starring Ashton Kutcher as the visionary. The sneak preview in L.A. caused a riot. Everyone saw Jobs up on the marquee and stormed the box office demanding an interview.

 

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos bought the Washington Post on Tuesday. He now controls the press coverage of every congressman and senator in Washington. The Internet sales tax is now the deadest thing in Washington D.C. that doesn’t have its own monument on the Mall.

 

Californians were furious Friday over test scores that show drastic drops in student test scores in English and math. The opinion of the education establishment is unanimous. The only thing that will solve this problem is a twenty percent bump in teachers’ pensions.

 

USA Today took rock stars to task Friday for gouging fans with high ticket prices at summer concerts and clearing a huge percentage of ticket sales. In addition, they’re scalping their own tickets. The only reason the Rolling Stones are still touring is because Mick Jagger has a Masters in Economics and figured out how to defeat Internet song piracy.

From Conan O’Brien:

According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job.

 

Oprah was shopping in Switzerland and a Swiss clerk refused to show her a $38,000 purse. To prove her point, Oprah bought Switzerland.

From Fred Thompson:

Turns out the IRS was not only targeting new Tea Party groups, but existing ones as well. In fact, they just indicted 10 Founding Fathers for tax fraud.

 

President Obama discussed the possibility of using unarmed, unmanned aircraft to help combat the growing problem of elephant poachers in Tanzania’s vast wildlife reserves. And if that doesn’t work, he’ll sic the IRS on ’em.

 

When an HHS official was asked whether people will see the $2500 insurance premium savings that President Obama promised, he responded “I can’t say”. Is there ANYONE in this administration not pleading the 5th?

 

A California company was given more than $100 million in taxpayer funds by the federal government to build electric car charging stations, despite how few of them are on the road. Yet not a dime for unicorn feeding troughs.

 

A new study shows that late-night comedians are now targeting Democrats twice as much as Republicans. Meanwhile, the IRS is now targeting Republicans half as much as late-night comedians.

 

A new study shows that 90% of jobs created since 2009 are only part-time. Just waiting for Obama to describe them as having an “extra unpaid vacation benefit”.

 

A new report shows that earning one dollar too much could cost you thousands under Obamacare. Of course, in Obama’s economy, the hard part is earning that dollar.

 

Although global temperatures have been steady for 15 years, climate scientists are calling it a “pause” in global warming. My guess is they’re starting to get panicky there’ll be a “pause” in their funding. 

 

Senate Democrats have proposed increasing the budget of the Internal Revenue Service by $12 billion. Guess they need to replace all the “Denied” stamps they wore out on Tea Party 501(c)(4) applications. 

 

A new report shows that the drop in the unemployment rate is due “almost 100%” to declines in the labor force participation rate. So… his plan is for everyone to quit looking for work so that unemployment drops to zero? 

 

Can’t make this up: the United Nations General Assembly adopted a resolution to designate November 19th as “World Toilet Day”. No doubt to be re-designated “World Economy Day” before too long. 

 

In France, a jewel thief made off with $136 million in loot in a 60-second daylight robbery. To put that in perspective, that’s nearly 20 minutes of government spending. 

 

A new survey show that 79% of US adults struggle with joblessness, near-poverty, or reliance on welfare. Or, as the Democrats call them – “the target audience”.

From Argus Hamilton:

Congress billed the taxpayers to fund health care insurance for themselves and their staffs Friday. It gets them out of ObamaCare. Not only do average Americans pick up the cost of House members’ health care, all death-panel rulings apply to randomly-selected taxpayers.

 

The FEC reported dead people gave six hundred thousand dollars to campaigns last year. Three fourths went to Democrats, one-fourth to Libertarians. Once Republicans die they’re prevented from donating to campaigns or worthy causes by what the law calls heirs.

 

Mitt Romney spoke at a GOP fundraiser in New Hampshire Tuesday where he urged the Republicans to nominate a presidential candidate who hates high taxes and can win. Everybody cheered. Phil Mickelson would be our third left-handed president in a row.

 

President Obama did an about-face Tuesday and proposed private banks guarantee home loans, not federal agencies. He’d backed government home loans his entire life. You know he’s getting older when even President Obama doesn’t support President Obama.

From Jay Leno:

The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It’s their bill. If it’s too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?

 

Yesterday, President Obama met with the Greek prime minister to discuss reforming Greece’s economy. President Obama talked with the prime minister of Greece about the economy. Actually, it’s “the blind leading the blind.”

 

Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the “Hypocritic Oath.”

From Jimmy Fallon:

Amazon said it’s going to hire at least 5,000 new employees. They were originally going to hire only 4,000, but realized if they added a few more, they’ll get free shipping.

From Argus Hamilton:

A Los Angeles squirrel was found dead of bubonic plague Friday. Six hundred years ago the bubonic plague killed half the people of Europe, and the labor shortage created a huge economic boom. But remember, if it gets us out of this recession, it’s just a plague.

 

President Obama spoke at Central Missouri College Wednesday. His staffers refused to allow College Republicans or anyone wearing patriotic clothing into the building. Everyone not allowed inside was forced into a boxcar and transported to IRS headquarters.

 

The IRS employees’ union stated Friday they don’t want to switch health coverage to ObamaCare. IRS agents have seen it and they don’t want it. ObamaCare limits the number of pints of blood you can have, and vampires won’t go any place that’s got a two-drink limit.

 

Saudi Prince Alawed bin Talal warned that soaring U.S. oil drilling threatens Saudi oil profits. U.S. oil imports are at a low and U.S. oil exports are up. People who used to accuse Barack Obama of being a Muslim never thought it might make him a natural oil sheik as well.

 

PGA star Hunter Mahan was the second-round leader in the Canadian Open when he left the course to attend his baby’s birth in Dallas and gave up the million-dollar prize. He’s not as stupid as he sounds. The taxes in Canada are so high that by not winning a million dollars up there and winding up in Texas, he came out a hundred thousand dollars ahead.

 

President Obama held a meeting with his cabinet at Camp David last weekend. They kicked around new tax-raising ideas in the next House budget negotiations. There was once a time when a fool and his money were soon parted but now it happens to everybody.

 

The White House asked stars to urge young adults to buy ObamaCare. Young people must pay to subsidize health care for older people, so their parents will live forever and they’ll never inherit any money to pay off their student loans. It’s only a matter of time before young people secede from the Union.

 

Saudi Prince Alawed bin Talal warned that soaring U.S. oil drilling under the Obama Administration threatens OPEC. Right now, Wall Street, big banks, and oil are booming and Detroit is bankrupt. Now it’s the Democrats who want to see Obama’s birth certificate.

 

President Obama declared Tuesday that the Keystone pipeline would only provide fifty permanent jobs. That’s true as far as it goes. However, you could say the New England Patriots only provide fifty permanent jobs but look at the jobs they generate in food, beverage, clothing sales, television ad revenue and, this year, blood spatter analysis and Bible sales.

From Fred Thompson:

TV star Nathan Fillion refused to show up on set recently, while negotiating for a 4-day work-week. Thanks to Obamacare, most Americans will get that whether they want it or not. 

 

Due to a computer error, PayPal accidentally credited a man in Pennsylvania $92,233,720,368,547,800. Heck, that could have paid for 6 months of Obamacare. 

 

In Waukegan, IL, police said they are investigating at least two incidents in which a man caused slow leaks in young women’s car tires, then offered to help them. Think he got the idea from Obama’s economic plan? 

 

The Department of Housing and Urban Development plans to map every neighborhood in America in an effort to “eliminate segregation”. Oh… so the government’s going to change their focus from eliminating employment for a while?

 

 The IRS lawyer who targeted Tea Partiers for auditing met with President Obama 2 days before implementing the program last year. Probably just Obama vetting Treasury Secretary nominees.

 From Jay Leno:

Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. No, that is not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They’re called campaign promises.

 

In a speech about the economy, President Obama said we’ve all been distracted by phony scandals. It’s time we started getting distracted by the phony recovery.

 

The head of the TSA said beginning later this year people can pay an $85 fee that will allow them to go through the airport line very quickly with minimal checking. Or as terrorists call that, money well spent.

From Argus Hamilton:

President Obama gave an hour-long speech on Wednesday in which he complained that the House probes into the IRS and Justice Department are just phony scandals. No one paid attention. In order make the news these days, he would have to confess to lewd-texting tea-partiers to avenge Trayvon.

 

Phil Mickelson paid half his two-million-dollar prize money for winning the Scottish and British Open to British tax collectors. It supports Britain’s cradle-to-grave welfare system. Maybe now Phil Mickelson understands why the gallery made him feel like a king.

 

The Bank of England will put Jane Austen’s portrait on ten pound currency bills to salute women, It’s been tried before. When the U.S. put Susan B. Anthony on a dollar coin in the Seventies. you’d give one to the homeless and they’d say they weren’t THAT hungry.

From Argus Hamilton:

Democrats love the Royal Family because they display the life that’s possible when you live off the government and keep having kids.

 

Senate Republicans weighed a plan Tuesday to refuse any funding for implementing ObamaCare when it becomes law this fall. You can’t make it up. ObamaCare turned out to be so costly and so unenforceable it’s got Americans open to the idea of DarwinCare.

 

Alex Rodriguez faced a possible lifetime suspension from baseball Thursday despite his convincing denials of recent steroid use. It points to a clinical study that says people get better at lying the more they lie. It really shows the need for term limits in Washington.

 

The U.S. Senate passed a bill allowing college students to get student loans at existing market rates. The tuition costs are insane today. They’re necessary to fund half-million dollar salaries for professors, otherwise who do we have to teach kids that wealth is evil?

From Jay Leno:

According to a new study, lying gets easier over time. People get better at lying the more they do it. See, that’s why you have to have term limits.

The royal baby is set to inherit $1 billion. In fact, he’s so rich that he’s already dating a girl half his age.

From Jay Leno:

Detroit has become the largest city in U.S. history to file for bankruptcy. What happened was Detroit’s population dropped something like 70 percent, but the government got bigger. The tax base got smaller, but the government got bigger. Thank God that kind of thing could never happen in Washington.

Detroit filed for bankruptcy Friday listing eighteen billion dollars in municipal debt and pensions it can’t pay. The declining business revenues can’t support government services. President Obama just told reporters that if he had a city it would look like Detroit.

 

Barack Obama said Friday he himself might have wound up like Trayvon Martin. Not likely. Any black kid who was destined to double the Dow Jones, save banks and double oil profits would be greeted in any gated community with gold, frankincense and myrrh.

From Argus Hamilton:

From Fred Thompson:

President Obama said he wants to use Google’s model to create “a smarter government”. Nah, he should try the Twitter model: no new laws over 140 characters long.

 

Scientists have developed a revolutionary new blood test that can tell you how long you will live. Big deal. Obama already developed a panel that will do the same thing.

 

All 45 Senate Republicans are calling for the implementation of Obamacare to be permanently delayed. President Obama disagreed, pushing for a permanent delay in economic recovery, instead.

 

Despite President Obama’s announcement to the contrary, Nancy Pelosi said “the employer mandate was not delayed”. Apparently Obama hasn’t given her a bill to pass so she can find out for sure.

 

After a year, the State Department has yet to fully comply with requests under the Freedom of Information Act to list Hillary Clinton’s travel expenses. Well, at least you can be sure Benghazi visits didn’t cost a dime.

 

After declaring bankruptcy a few months ago, Hostess announced that Twinkies will soon be returning to store shelves, but now they’ll be 10% smaller. Ah… the perfect metaphor for Obama’s “recovery”.

From Jay Leno:

According to a new study, inactivity can kill you. You can die from doing nothing. Believe me. These findings scare the hell out of the Congress.

 

President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli was his favorite food, and they believed him. Then he told them Obamacare would reduce the deficit and the kids all busted out laughing.