From Argus Hamilton:

Forbes said that Americans who make two hundred grand per year work six months a year for the government. It’s verifiable. President Obama makes four hundred grand a year and he is pretty much six months on the golf course and six months in the Bahamas.

Senate Republicans were joined by seventeen Senate Democrats Monday in a budget amendment that endorsed the Keystone oil pipeline. It’s an old math formula. The closer you are to your next election the less in favor you are of four-dollar-a-gallon gasoline.

San Diego officials asked the FAA to designate Southern California a drone zone for testing the uses of the unmanned aircraft. People are against it. They don’t want the federal government to know how much money it could make by taxing backyard pot crops.

President Obama’s daughter enjoyed spring break in the Bahamas. Michelle’s just been to Aspen and Biden just did Rome, Paris and London. The sequester cuts don’t affect their travels because they bought time shares during the first year of the first term.

Cyprus made plans to seize forty percent of every bank account with over a hundred thousand Euros in it. They’ve never had a seizure of private property like this before. Cyprus made a colossal mistake last week when they agreed to become our fifty-first state.

President Obama filled out his bracket card for the NCAA basketball tournament this week. ESPN had to analyze his selections by four o’clock. Whenever the president is picking winners and losers, investors have to scamper to sell before the market closes.

Congress held hearings Wednesday on the possibility of a meteor slamming into the United States like the one in Siberia last month. A NASA official said if a meteor approaches the U.S. that Americans should pray. So we’re down to that, either pray that the meteor doesn’t hit us or pray that it hits the Federal Reserve Building and saves us all.

The U.S. Senate tried to save the Senate barber shop from being eliminated in the new budget bill Tuesday. Critics note the Senate barber shop lost three hundred and fifty thousand dollars last year. That makes it the most profitable agency in the U.S. government.

Cyprus agreed to seize ten percent of the money in all Cyprus bank accounts to avoid bankruptcy. It’s an outrageous seizure of private property. The White House issued a statement immediately saying that President Obama is always looking for fresh new ideas.

Eurozone officials said seizing bank accounts like they did in Cyprus can be a model for other countries. It set off international alarms. President Obama just cancelled his summer vacation to Martha’s Vineyard to go to Cyprus for a continuing education seminar.

President Obama met with Ireland’s prime minister and attended a St. Patrick’s Day lunch with U.S. lawmakers Tuesday. Ireland allow actors, comedians, writers of fiction and singers of songs to live there tax-free. So for everybody in Washington, Ireland is Plan B.

The Bible mini-series Sunday introduced the character of Satan who tempts Jesus in the wilderness. The devil is a dead ringer for Barack Obama. He tempted Jesus with an IRS audit if he didn’t stop infringing on the government’s exclusive right to heal people.

New York’s Stop and Frisk policy came under political fire Monday that allows cops to pat down anyone on the street whom they think looks criminally suspicious. It’s racially charged fear that’s felt by everybody in town. Sometimes they need police dogs to tell which white guy is carrying a briefcase full of mortgage-backed securities and Apple stock.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Wal-Mart will test a new delivery method for customers who order online. They’re asking shoppers to drop stuff off for other shoppers on their way home. In exchange, Wal-Mart would give them a discount on their bill. So if you always wanted to work for Wal-Mart but didn’t want to get bogged down with the paycheck and healthcare, this is for you.

From Jimmy Fallon:

Yesterday President Obama told reporters that his NCAA tournament bracket is busted. Obama said they were the worst picks he’s ever made — then he looked at his economic advisers and said, “Ehh, maybe not.”