From Argus Hamilton:

Oklahoma City residents were shocked Tuesday when they felt two earthquakes hit the city measuring nearly five points on the Richter scale. It’s a sign of the times. The California economy is so terrible that even the earthquakes are moving back to Oklahoma.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

A man in New York City is convicted of stealing more than $376,000 worth of copy machine toner from the law firm he worked for. They’re known for their work with big corporations and investment banks, and also for not ever having any toner in their copier.

Adrian Rodriguez pleaded guilty to second-degree grand larceny. They caught him black handed.

From Argus Hamilton:

Jay-Z released a rap song ripping President Obama for not backing him up on his trip to Cuba Friday. He’d just been at the White House. President Obama is a big fan of hip hop music, in fact he’s the first president to have his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficits.

 

U.S. senators proposed various pathways to citizenship for illegal aliens Sunday. They all want the American dream. In this country, with a little hard work, a little luck and scrupulous bookkeeping, anybody can die owing the government a huge amount of money.

 

President Obama’s tax return showed he only paid eighteen percent of his income in taxes Monday. He made only half the money he made last year and only a third of what he earned the year before that. You can’t make it up, even Obama is doing badly under Obama.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Today is April 15. You have 20 minutes to get your taxes in.

 

This is the most stressful day of the year for accountants, small business owners, and Wesley Snipes.

 

Why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns? We have to pay them to pay them. It’s like giving a slice back to the pizza delivery guy. How about you just deduct 75 cents from what I already paid?

From Argus Hamilton:

President Obama paid taxes on six hundred grand in income Friday. He made eight hundred grand last year and a million-seven the year before. While other politicians just talk about economic decline under President Obama, President Obama leads by example.

 

President Obama received a letter from celebrities and musicians Friday who asked him to ease U.S. drug laws and eliminate jail time for users and dealers. The petition is no surprise. If cocaine could do taxes it would list celebrities and musicians as dependents.

 

Congress voted Friday to shield federal officials from having to post their financial dealings online. It overrides last year’s Stock Act meant to catch U.S. officials when they engage in insider trading. Now when NORAD operators spot North Korean missiles in the air they face the difficult choice of either shooting them down or selling Samsung short.

From Argus Hamilton:

The IRS hired more agents to collect all they can from taxpayers Friday. The tax form raises questions. When L.A. residents get to the question asking if you are a farmer, they want to know if the IRS and DEA share information or if it’s more like the FBI and the CIA.

 

The Rolling Stones announced Tuesday they will tour the U.S. this summer beginning in Los Angeles in May. The group is now touring in its sixth decade. There are still drugs available for their friends in the dressing room, but now there’s a fifty dollar co-pay.

 

 President Obama proposed a budget Tuesday that lowers the cost-of-living increases for seniors and doubles the federal tax on cigarettes. It doesn’t add up at all. If there is not enough money for Social Security, he shouldn’t be encouraging people to quit smoking.

 

 The U.S. Postal Service backed down from its threat to end Saturday postal delivery if they don’t get more money. The Postal Service lost sixteen billion dollars last year. This is why you should have your tax refund direct-deposited and not delivered by U.S. mail.

From Jay Leno:

North Korean officials reportedly are planning a cyber attack on the U.S. in an effort to bring our economy to a halt. Nice try guys. You’re five years too late.