Letterman’s annual batch of Tax Season jokes.

10. Take off your clothes and sit on the examining table (Harvey Tanton)

9. Good news — you earned enough to co-sign my mortgage! (Whitney Boyd)

8. My client Wesley Snipes said prison wasn’t so bad (Phil Defalco)

7. Would you like to touch my rubber thumb? (Lawrence Spielman)

6. I’m faxing over your 1099 form right now [makes faxing sound] (Gary Schatsky)

5. Care to make a tax-deductible donation to the Taliban? (Bob Manger)

4. Give me fifty bucks — I’ll make your taxes disappear (Andrew Ross)

3. Do you have someplace to stay until things blow over? (Sandra Bussell)

2. Ignore the blood stains (Richard Koenigsberg)

1. Hey, Nice W-2s (Andrew Rubin)

Now, with video:

From Argus Hamilton:

The White House announced that the president will return five percent of his salary to the U.S. government to share the sacrifice in the sequester budget cuts. He’s paying seventeen hundred a month back to the Treasury. At this rate he’ll reimburse us for what he spent on family vacations but only if he’s president for another twenty-three years.

 

John Kerry declared he will donate five percent of his salary to charity as a sacrifice for the sequester budget cuts. He’s worth two hundred million dollars. For five percent of his Secretary of State’s salary to hurt him he would have had to marry Dionne Warwick.

 

The White House on Monday proclaimed April to be Personal Finance Responsibility Month. The Obama administration put together a website intended to teach children how to manage budgets responsibly. It looks like another case of those who cannot do, teach.

 

The White House backed banks who give home loans to people with bad credit. They threatened banks who refuse. The American Dream is now a thirty-year mortgage and a two-month payment plan, backed by the full faith and paratroopers of the U.S. government.

 

Senator Jay Rockefeller asked Carnival Cruise to reimburse the U.S. Treasury the four million dollars it cost the U.S. government for the Coast Guard to tow last month’s sewage-fouled liner back safely to port. The cruise company is complaining, but they won’t get anywhere. Even the Auto Club only tows you so many times before they start charging you.

From Jay Leno:

Good news: our buddy Wesley Snipes — remember he went to prison in 2010 for tax evasion — he got released earlier this week. The bad news: He’s only got 10 days to file his taxes.

From Dave Letterman:

The White House has now put together a website for kids. It’s a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called “Irony.gov.”

From Jimmy Fallon:

A new report found that, despite the slowing economy, going to college is still paying off. Unfortunately, still paying off is what you’ll be doing with your college loans for the rest of your life.

From Argus Hamilton:

President Obama named April as National Financial Responsibility Month. He wants young people to learn how to budget. In a related story, President Obama told everyone not to sweat the unemployment rate because the depression is covered under ObamaCare.

The White House admitted Friday that ObamaCare is causing health insurance costs to rise. They had promised that the costs would go down and you could still keep your doctor. Unfortunately your doctor has retired but you still have plenty of choices, like in Los Angeles, where you can get the drugs you need from either the Crips or the Bloods.

 Washington Business Monthly reported a real estate survey Monday which said that Washington D.C. is the least affordable city in America. That’s misleading. It takes a lot of money to live in Washington D.C. but most of it is borrowed from China and never paid back.

 The U.S. Bankruptcy Court allowed Stockton, California, to go bankrupt Monday which sparked fears of a domino effect in the Golden State. Now bond investors won’t get their money back. If the Supreme Court didn’t like our prison overcrowding before, they’re really not going to like it when the entire state is walled off into one giant debtor’s prison.

 The New York Times published a length study entitled Social Class in America which factored in education, income and occupations. It’s much simpler than all that. In America, you’re in the upper class if your name is on the building, you’re in the middle class if your name is on your desk, and you’re in the working class if your name is on your shirt.

President Obama told reporters Thursday that his NCAA tournament brackets were completely busted. The president sighed and said they may have been the worst picks he ever made. This means the President’s Council of Economic Advisors has lost the crown.

California lawmakers weighed a bill requiring mattress manufacturers to take back used mattresses from consumers for recycling. The companies are thrilled. After what happened in Cyprus two out of three mattresses will be stuffed with someone’s life savings.